Boy walks in on his dad masturbating. Never having seen anyone do this, he says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
His dad replies, “Don’t worry son, you’ll be doing it soon enough!”
"Really? Why’s that, Daddy?"
"Well, my arm is getting tired…"
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair … Kill her!!’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle the bitch to death’.
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter’s friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, “Oh, about 3 days ago.” and her dad bursts into the room yelling, “I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!”
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he’s so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies “I couldn’t find it.”
Where did the little boy go after the explosion? Everywhere.
I added Princess Diana On Xbox Live, She doesn’t do much, Always on the Dashboard.
Mommy, mommy, I don’t want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."
A small boy goes into the kitchen one day and run up to his mum. “Mummy, mummy, Grandma’s got a prawn between her legs!”
"Pardon, darling?" "Grandma’s got a prawn between her legs!" "Okay, show me"
They both walk into the living room, where they find Grandma fast asleep and looking very pleased. Her knickers are missing and her skirt has ridden up so that nothing is left to the imagination.
"See Mummy? A prawn," says the little boy, pointing between his gran’s splayed legs. "No, darling that’s something special women have."
"But Mummy," says the little boy, looking confused. "It tasted like a prawn."
I’ve been talking to this smoking hot 13 year old girl on a chat room for a few days. I suggested we meet up and she told me she was an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?
I was out when I saw a black man running with a TV. “That looks like mine” I thought, so I went home and checked but no, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
Political correctness is out of control, you can’t even say “black paint” anymore! You have to say “Tyrone, decorate my house.”
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, “Show me it’s true what they say about black men.” So he stabs her and nicks her purse.
I don’t see why people think Jesus was so amazing… he only fed 5000 people with a few loaves of bread and two fish, yet Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
How do you get a jewish girl’s number?
Roll up her sleeve.
I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty smart, but some Jewish cunt said, “The ’70s called… They want their shirt back!”
I said, “The ’40s called… Your shower’s ready.”
What does Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?
The Wall was their last big hit.
The media frenzy when Princess Diana died was crazy - she was all over the radio…not to mention most of the dash and car bonnet too.
A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly by schools.
What do you call a black woman who has had 5 abortions? A crime fighter.
The government advises we eat 5 portions of vegetables a day. That’s fine, but what am I supposed to do with all these wheel chairs?
Suzie walks into the living room where her Daddy is watchin TV on a Friday night.
Suzie: “Dad…can I have the car tonight?”
Daddy: “Nah, I don’t think so Suzie”
Suzie: “Oh, please Dad….please please please….I’ll do anything to get the car tonight. I want to go out with my friends SO bad.”
Daddy: “You’ll do anything?”
Daddy: “Ok, well….give Daddy a little head and you can have the car”
Suzie thinks about it for a minute, but she wants to go out so bad, she decides to do it and starts sucking on Daddy’s pecker.
Suzie: “DAD - your dick tastes like SHIT”
Dad: “Oh, darn, that’s right…..your brother got the car tonight”
A boy’s fucking his sister, she starts moaning “Your dick’s so much bigger than dad’s.” He replies, “I know. Mom always says the same thing.”
People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red, they’re embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they’re about to commit a crime.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. All I can think is “Damn, that’s a pretty big word for a nine year old!”
I have a similar problem.
My girlfriend has this weird fetish during sex where she likes to pretend she’s a 14-year-old, but I seriously don’t get it, I mean, she’s going to be 14 in a couple of years anyway.
So my wife walked in on me fucking my daughter this morning. I don’t know what upset her more, the fact that I was fucking her or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep it.
So I was raping this girl the other night, and amongst the screams and cries for help she pleads, “think of my children!!”
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.
Same with the rape kit I bought.
My village is holding their annual incest competition. I’ve entered my sister.
I told my sister I was into incest. She took it pretty hard.
What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car in front of a planned parenthood clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a wire hanger.
Why did little Susie fall off of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn’t she get back up?
She had no legs.
Why didn’t anyone help her?
She had no friends.
What did Susie get for Christmas?
Nah, I’m just kidding. We don’t know. She hasn’t opened it yet.
You know what I don’t get about feminists? They’re so against objectifying but you know what else you see on feminist blogs other than feminism?
Cats. Lots and lots of cats. There they are objectifying cats, maybe not sexually, but objectifying weight, shape, colour, reactions, eyes, behaviour, emotions, and almost every other thing that can be applied to a human being.
Sure, don’t have sex with a woman if she says “no”, but by all means let’s laugh at the cat having a bath that it clearly doesn’t want.